TAMPA BAY, FL – Zelda Wilkins credits her “high pain tolerance” as the only way she can handle her affliction with pseudoseizures. Despite frequenting four different hospital systems within the city, 93% of ER physicians polled recognize Zelda at a glance.
“Hello Zelda, how can I help you today?” asked Dr. Nicholas Weise, who lost rock-scissors-paper at the nurse’s station.
“Oh, Nick, so good to see you again, I just can’t seem to get these seizures under control,” she said, briefly looking up from her iPhone 5. “The only thing that seems to cure these seizures is morphine and Ativan.”
“I see,” said Dr. Weise, while actually trying to swallow his own tongue, literally.
“Oh, I think another one might be coming,” she said, almost threateningly.
“You know Zelda, during seizures it is not uncommon for patients to actually lose control of their bodily functions, sometimes even peeing on themselves,” he said.
“Really?” Zelda asked.
“Really,” he said, leaving the room.
Dr. Weise then returned to the nursing station, after reviewing the negative laboratory evaluations that had been done 2, 3, 6, 8, and 11 days previously. Dr. Weise informed the patient the he decided against treating her with Ativan and morphine. He then attempted to go to another room only to have his spine lock in terror.
“Doctor Weeeeeeeeise, I’m having a seizurrre for real right nowwww, come seeee!” she said triumphantly.
Dr. Weise took one glance at the urine soaked pants of Ms. Wilkins, once again confirming his suspicions about her. The patient grinned while rhythmically shaking her arms and rolling her eyes back in her head.
“I told you! Can I get some Ativan now?” she asked while watching the single tear fall from Dr. Weise’s weary face.
Dr. Weise then collapsed to the ground and pretended to thrash around until he was removed away from the patient by others.
After finding out she would not be receiving morphine and Ativan, Zelda eloped from the emergency department. Dr. Weise could not be further interviewed due to the fact that whenever we mentioned her name, he would have another pseudoseizure.