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HOUSTON, TX – On his mighty steed, hospital administrator Sir Chaz Moneybags galloped onto the med-surg unit at Ben Taub Hospital and in front of the legions present in their humble white coats and scrubs and fleeces and several other Administrative Knights of the Round Board Room Table in their black suit regalia, bestowed upon young nurse Keisha Allen the Highest Honor in the entire Kingdom of Taub.

kudos
“I am the King of Hospital Administrators… Direct me to your finest med-surg unit”

“Hear ye, hear ye!!!!” Sir Moneybags bugled towards his subjects, bringing all health care professionals, pagers, and call lights to complete silence.  “Look forth and heap praises of bounty upon thy Nurse Keisha, for she charteth and charteth well!!”

The floor roared into ecstatic approval.

“Hush, my subjects, for there is more!!” said Moneybags before harping onto those lended ears.  “Under the watch of Heaven, the Sun who chariots gracefully across the sky only to be followed by his twin the Moon, and Nurse Keisha, the Devil has yet to hand to doth patients of hers iatrogenesis or falls!!  No CAUTIs, no CLABSIs, no other demons of the like!!”

The floor roared into ecstatic approval once more.

“Hush!!!” Moneybags begged once more.  “And not only does our fair Nurse Keisha keep those patient arms straight, thereby keeping IV bumps’ breath down to a hush, but she never falls prey to the charting of respiratory rates of 16!  Her wisdom tells her to chart less, to chart more, but never fall victim for that evil spirit 16.  For this reason, on behalf of myself, King Moneybags, and the Round Board Room Table, we shall bestow up on you the Highest Honor one can receive from my Divine hands!  Please kneel, young Keisha.”

Allen obliged and kneeled, not sure what the hell was happening.

“By the power vested in my quill pen, Excalibur, I shall show you the utmost gratitude as only someone of my power can do…”

“A pay raise?” Nurse Keisha asked.  “Less patients?  Ohhh, how about a couple extra days off?  Shorter hours?  Or how about less charting?  Upgraded computers?  Or a back massage.  That would be pretty amazing actually.”

“Why no,” Moneybags said.  “Kudos.  I shall bestow upon you my heartfelt and most precious kudos.  And not just my own.  There are enough kudos from my Administrative Knights to feed a family for a lifetime, if the darned things were edible.  Isn’t that enough?  Don’t you do this to receive what everyone desires?  A lifetime’s gift of kudos from the Kingdom of Administration?”

“Kudos?!  F**k that sh*t!” Nurse Keisha replied and walked off into the sunset, kudos be damned.

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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