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Med/Surg unit

It’s that time of year to take inventory of what’s on our Med/Surg units.  These things are required for the quintessential Med/Surg experience.  Bust out those pens, if you haven’t lost them!

  • 20 patients awaiting placement
  • 10 patients that should be DNR but aren’t
  • 5 patients in gowns walking the halls with exposed buttocks
  • 5 patients in contact isolation for unknown reasons (too lazy for anyone to check)
  • 2 elderly patients screaming out incoherent things
  • 1 elderly patient near the nurses station because she’s been troublesome
  • 1 sketchy patient stalking the nurses station constantly
  • 1 drug seeker that everyone knows all too well
  • 1 adult male who curses just a tad too loudly
  • 1 nice patient (no more)
  • 8 healthcare providers yawning
  • 3 healthcare providers on Facebook for all to see
  • 2 EMTs with an empty stretcher just standing there, looking bored
  • 1 social worker who has been on hold for at least 20 minutes
  • 1 physical therapist (PT) walking a patient who doesn’t need PT
  • 1 unit secretary that is calmer than everyone else on the unit
  • 1 healthcare provider with a bad case of resting bitch face
  • 1 healthcare provider looking for a chart that has gone missing
  • 1 male healthcare provider with a 5 o’clock shadow at 9 AM
  • 1 intern with earbuds on
  • 1 medical student who is using up a precious computer and not doing anything
  • 5 empty hand foam dispensers
  • 1 dining service cart that is blocking the entrance to the Med/Surg unit
  • 1 nasty stench of unclear origin but probably poop
  • 1 chair that cannot be lowered or raised
  • 1 chair with broken armrests
  • 1 updated crash cart
  • 1 old clock with the wrong time
  • 1 Heimlich maneuver poster still hanging from the 1970s
  • 1 fax machine on its last legs
  • 1 overhead speaker system that is either too loud or too soft
  • 1 random Latex glove on the floor
  • 1 puddle of bodily fluid
  • 1 incessantly ringing cell phone that some medical provider has misplaced
  • 1 overflowing garbage bin that really needs to be emptied
  • 1 loud cleaning object that is on that everyone has to yell over
  • 1 collected urine sample that’s sitting out
  • 1 open beverage container, ready to kill
  • 1 pen that no has claimed but everyone wants to claim
  • 1 well-hidden stapler only the secretary can find
  • 1 nurses drawer full of much-needed emergency candy
  • 1 other drawer that is a potpourri of broken pens, staples, ketchup packets, etc.
  • 1 bag of normal saline on the counter
  • 1 misplaced patient list
  • 1 printer out of ink, paper, or both
  • 1 pile of unsigned prescriptions by the printer
  • 1 landline that doesn’t work, possibly because of a worn down phone jack
  • 1 broken pulse oximeter
  • Infinite metallic sounds caused by pagers, phones, telemetry, and codes
  • Infinite supply of small N95 respirators
  • 0 regular-sized N95 respirators
  • 1 Dinamap with an error message on it
  • 1 random storage room that no one has ever been in
  • 1 bathroom that has no toilet paper, no paper towels, and has an insecure seat

Additionally:

If a paper chart-based unit:

If an EMR-based unit:

  • 5 missing chairs (ratio of desktop computers to chairs must not be 1-to-1)
  • 1 annoyed healthcare provider on the phone with IT yet again for help
  • 1 computer with a broken or sticky keyboard
  • 1 computer that has needed repair for at least 3 months
  • 1 computer with the blue screen of death
  • 1 computer that has a really f**king annoying mouse that needs to be replaced

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.
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