Wednesday, June 3, 2020

News-in-Brief

Short Articles for Your Short Attention Span

Three Wise Monkeys Support CDC Opioid Guidelines: ‘See No Dilaudid, Hear No Dilaudid, Speak...

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NIKKO, JAPAN - For the first time in centuries, the three wise monkeys have spoken.  In an exclusive and brief statement to GomerBlog, the three wise monkeys asked us to take pause before delivering their special...

Area LEGO Man Admitted with Bright Red Blocks Per Rectum

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LEGOLAND, FL - An area LEGO man is in serious condition at LEGOLAND Medical Center after he presented to the emergency department (ED) with bright red blocks per rectum (BRBPR).  "He had 3 episodes...

Study: Heimlich Maneuver Not Effective on Choking Athletes

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AUGUSTA, GA - On the heels of Jordan Spieth's epic collapse during the final round of the Masters in April, a study published in JAMA has found that the Heimlich maneuver is completely ineffective in...
chest pain

Warriors Fans Suffering Chest Pain Radiating from Steph Curry’s Sprained Knee

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OAKLAND, CA - Sharpshooter Stephen Curry has officially suffered a sprained right MCL, which is so painful that it is in fact radiating to the chest of every Golden State Warriors fan in the country. Curry...
Earth Day

Earth Day News: After 4.5 Billion Years, Earth Remains Full Code

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THIRD PLANET, SOLAR SYSTEM - After a two-hour long meeting with NASA’s palliative care service, Earth has decided to remain Full Code. “Hey now, I’m 4.5 billion years young and ain’t nothing gonna stop me,”...

Post-Cardiac Arrest Fonzie Not Eligible for Therapeutic Hypothermia, “He’s Already Too Cool”

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MILWAUKEE, WI - The critical care service at Sweet Sweet Mercy Hospital has denied Fonzie a potentially life-saving intervention.  He recently suffered an out of hospital cardiac arrest, and after he was successfully resuscitated,...

Report: Patient Experiencing Apnea 14 Times A Minute

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NINTH FLOOR – Nurse Jenny Holcomb is starting to be very concerned about her postoperative back patient who is starting to experience apnea 16 times a minute.  “I don’t know what to do, he just stops...

Hospital Institutes Popular “One for You, One for Me” Medication Policy

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LOS ANGELES, CA - In a move being praised by providers and patients alike, local Have Mercy Hospital has begun implementing a "one for you, one for me" medication program where nurses, doctors, or other...

Patients Cancel Colonoscopy Due to Diarrhea

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BOSTON, MA - Due to a local outbreak of a diarrheal illness that has been short lived, several of our planned colonoscopies have been cancelled this week, a local gastroenterology clinic announced. Mary Beth Olson,...

“Minions” Movie Linked to Rising Rates of Pediatric Hyperkalemia

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Emergency departments across the country have been seeing an alarming trend of rising rates of pediatric hyperkalemia since summer of last year.  Hyperkalemia, which means increased potassium in the body, can cause serious health...
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